Sunday, February 1, 2009


Hal walks in last week with his briefcase like always. He is slightly bowlegged and definitely overweight, and you get the sense that he trusts his right leg a little more when he walks because when he limps in the building he takes his time and pivots on the right side.

He has come to get breakfast this morning, but upon seeing me behind the counter he exclaims, "Oh... it's you!" and quickly waddles out the back door in a way that made another customer ask if we are enemies.

I tell him, "No." (though I secretly do harbor many bad feelings for Hal.) "He just forgot to bring me something."

Last week, Hal decided to get in a discussion with me about the legitimacy of the citizenship of our just inaugurated President. It went something along the lines of "You know they say his birth certificate is a forge, right?" The way he says it with a curt smile from underneath his salt and pepper mustache, makes his googly eyes seem to bulge out even more. "They say he used a copy of his sister's and photoshopped his information in there."

He obviously is fishing to see which side of the fence I am on. As I begin to roll my eyes and sigh unconsciously, which opened the floodgate to more ramblings.

"Yea, I just wanted to come over and see if he held his hand over his heart while they sang the national anthem. You know he never says the pledge of allegiance?"

"That's not really true." I say, "I don't think it's any one's business to question the way another person displays his or her patriotism," I come back maybe a little too quickly. The type of quickly that lets someone know you're on the defense. Now he knows he's got something on the line. He can tell by the few words I said that I am a flaming liberal.

"Ahhh...I just find it interesting that the 'supposed' President of the United States isn't even an American citizen." He replies in snidely Michiganese accent. I sigh again thinking to myself how many emails, blogs, and conversations I have had to endure about this very issue (and may I say that it's a non-issue).

Anyway, the restaurant is pretty full and I don't have the energy on this day to have this particular conversation.

"This is a stupid argument and it is baseless, you can't believe every email that gets sent to you, you know."

"Oh no, I got all my information from a documented report. It's sourced and everything I'll bring it in for you sometime."

"Great...I'd love to read it. I think those are the funniest lies," I said

"All right, I'll bring it in next time I come in." His googly eyes pop out with delight at the thought of proving his trivial, fact less point.

So, when Hal waddles back in to Java, he is carrying a printed out report at least an inch thick along with a shit-eating grin on his face. He gives me the printout with such pleasure that you would think he was about to go into one of his diabetic comas (oh, he is an awful diabetic by the way. I'll go into that more in the future). I look it over and shoot the shit with him a little, because he likes to try and russle my feathers, and I happen to like the same. It turns out that the article is "very well sourced". The satisfying part is that all the sources are conservative blogs. Over two hundred different quoted blogs and honestly, no more than ten newspaper article. It was the saddest attempt at citing a work I have ever seen. I didn't expect anything less from Hal.


  1. You have to let him a little off the hook for finding the time for an inch thick anything, what with all that time spent hunting down competitive deals for Best Buy and griping over Popi's menu prices, not to mention his bulky 'other' downloading schedule.

  2. His new deal is taking video of the bands at Ace's. He Rulez.

  3. is this the guy who brings in his own laptop with the suspenders?

  4. yesmam...He will be in recurring posts